hey i think my brain stopped working

[petalveined]

or something similar. no one to talk to, no one to call. and i don't feel like i'm real either. for the time i spent looking for an icon, this is the only "decent" one i could find. (nanno was also an option but. it was kinda weird, right?)

so why not write how i feel here. i think people like to talk here rather than talk about their problems to real people, so why not me? well, i do it here because i know no one is going to answer me directly. this is a real discussion from me to me, haha. and i've only talked to myself for two days, so i can tell you it's not very conclusive.

probably because i'm not the most talkative person: i can barely communicate normally, reassure or be understanding. at least i was able to realize it. but the fact that i care shows me that i'm real, otherwise, what the hell would i care?

so of course, i understand why people don't want to talk to me. it's ok. sometimes. but you know, it's not really normal when the idea of ​​a simple conversation with someone brings you so much anxiety. (ifykyk) but humans are born to hurt themselves. it's like- if they were able to catch themselves before the fall, they would still try to take a step forward.

that way, they could feel something.

 

so why do they always end up crying? i don't know. it's simple sometimes. well, i think. maybe my opinion is too harsh. even i think i wouldn't be able to do it, after all, it concerns me too.

actually, i would say that looking for answers to other people's problems allows me to avoid my own. you have to occupy your thoughts, right? i don't really know if i have a problem, maybe several. other people are already so complicated, but i think they're the ones who drive me totally crazy. and looking for solutions exhausts me, so i think i should stop trying. i've tried before, we've tried before. maybe some relationships aren't meant to last.

i think that changing our "life" is affecting us more than it should. we think we're leaving everything behind.

that's kind of it, in the end. we leave our "home", we leave people, we leave this fragment of us, the one we've been these last years. i can't tell you about the others, because i think they're out of reach, out of my reach precisely.

and i don't know which idiot is responsible for this, honestly. but it's nothing, it confirms that "something" is wrong, right?

 

this new place. this new city is beautiful, lively, but everything seems so weird. the people. the weather, the atmosphere. everything is very beautiful, but everything is very scary. a few days ago, i talked to a man and i felt like a stranger. and that's what i am, it's true. but a real stranger. not only to the city, but rather to the world.

and as i said, it's very beautiful here. from what i remember, the place seems like a very touristy place, like our vacation destinations when we were kids.

i don't know why everything is so strange, even me. these last few days have already been trying, new people, other people disappearing. and i was told that "everything seemed normal" but. hey, i don't know. is everything normal even though we've been to the hospital?. is it normal when we are so worried about being forgotten that we- how can i say this. that some people just stopped coming. i know this because we wrote it. it hurts i think, because it is no one's fault. and we can't help but rethink everyone's actions. it's like being on guard 24/7. it's exhausting. it's a harmless feeling, thinking that everyone will abandon us. many people have carried it before me (?) and many more will carry it. but we just have to understand the fact that we are not defined by our ability to be loved, or to love. we have to learn love in all its forms, and maybe we can finally accept it.

i don't even know what i was getting at by saying all this. maybe we thought that if things changed for the person we loved then we had no reason to be there anymore. i don't know if that's exactly it, i don't really know other people, just their feelings. (and all the things they will never express)

maybe we are just too anxious about what will happen in the future, no matter what it is. whether it will be painful or happy. whether we will end up alone or with someone. whatever, but maybe it is time to accept what will happen next, no matter what it is.